Thoughts on Life and Death

In this field we have the burden and blessing, for it is both, to see the beauty and brevity of life.   My faith teaches that life is a gift and that a life well-lived is truly a beautiful thing that will live on in the memories of our kith and kin.

As with every story, ours will come to an end.  One hopes that it will be a death that befits a life well-lived.  Every new heathen is often drawn to the notion of the warrior's death and being whisked away to Valhalla or Folkvangr to await Ragnarok.  But what of those who do not meet their fate on the field of battle?  What if the battle is one of illness?  What if said battle leaves one with little hope of what would be considered a "good death"?  What happens when strength and vigor leave us?  When slavery to one's ills steals the joys of life away?  What, then, is courage?  Is it more courageous to bear the burden to the ground with a stony demeanor or is it better to face death with courage and honor on your own terms?

I ask these questions without knowing the answers.  I, as you may know, have not died as of the writing of this.  That being the case, this is all mere conjecture on my part.  With that being said, these are my own musings and while I am a heathen, I do not represent all heathenry with these musings.  I say this because my own stance is unique in many ways because I am so close to death.  I see it slowly creep up on long term patients and bit by bit steal that vital spark.  Their families watching as their loved one becomes a shadow of what they once were, physically and/or mentally. In some cases, it comes quick and precise.  Other times it so slow and ponderous it leaves you wondering how a person can endure such things.  It is my job, my duty as an emergency provider to halt death's advance when and where I can, but I am torn at times with what I am prolonging.

To sum up my thoughts, I am going to leave it to the late and great Terry Pratchett:

"It's that much heralded thing, the quality of life, that is important. How you live your life, what you get out of it, what you put into it and what you leave behind after it. We should aim for a good and rich life well lived and, at the end of it, in the comfort of our own home, in the company of those who love us, have a death worth dying for."

Catching up

It has been a long while since my last little entry here.  A lot has happened since then so I figured a recap with some insights might be overdue.

To catch up....

 I have joined the Air National Guard in the field of radio frequency (RF) transmission technician with the 232nd Combat Communications Squadron.  This means that my job, if deployed, is to prep and maintain satellite and radio equipment for us and our allies.  Some have asked why I didn't go medic.  Two reasons for this choice:  1)  there was not a medic spot available during the time of my enlistment, 2) most of the medic spots that are normally open would result in a job that has less scope of practice than I already have in the civilian world.  I like tech stuff so the position is actually interesting to me.  I am currently finishing up tech school in Biloxi, MS and will then report to my base for an additional 2 months of on-the-job training.

My wife and I are expecting a son in October.  Yay for her being able to visit between basic training graduation and tech school.  This has, of course, merely solidified my intent from the previous post concerning making decisions to safeguard the growth and well-being of my family.  We are ecstatic about the little guy.  While I am disappointed I am not there as much as I would like during the pregnancy, my wife and I figure it as an investment for the future.  I will be home for the birth and and can't wait.

As I prepare for all of this, I am happy but I see this as up'ing the ante.  I return to being a firemedic in October, and I worry.  I will have a child that depends on me.  After speaking with folks back at the department, I found out that the city officials wanted to give the firemedics a raise since the numbers are coming in that we run our asses off.  Our chief made the decision to turn down the offer of a raise since giving the firemedics a raise would cause dissent among the other firefighters that are not also licensed medics.  They do this and yet they wonder why they have such a high turn over rate.  I understand that they would like to avoid dissent but here's the thing.  The average fire truck might run 4-6 calls per day.  The average ambulance will run 12-15 calls per day.  We were losing medics before this deal was ever on the table so that means that our workload/time on the ambulance will continue to increase.  The attrition of medics to other departments will most certainly continue since the higher ups have shown no desire to incentivize staying.  It pains me because I love the job but if I had any lingering doubts about making the jump to get into school, they are gone now.  I have to make a good life for my son and wife.  If something isn't in line with that objective then it will have to go.  End of story.

 This brings me to the current situation.  While I have, in the past, alluded to shooting for physician assistant school I have decided against it due to most programs being more traditionally cast resulting in an inability to continue work while going to school.  With that in mind, I am planning on attending a bridge program for paramedic to RN which a much quicker route to more opportunities.  After that, we will make the decision on when and where to pursue graduate level education while working as an RN.  

That about wraps up the catch up.  Now for some things that I caught me off guard about being away from my wife and the few friends I have for so long:

*While it cannot be denied that the lack of intimacy sucks, I have found that I was woefully unprepared for how much I would miss simple human touch.  The effect a hug, kiss, or other similar body contact has on the psyche (mine at least) was made apparent by my lacking it.  It sounds silly, but I would've never thought about that as being one of the things I would miss the most.

*I have traveled a good deal in my life and met many folks during my adventures.  I still maintain that my dogs make better companions than 90% of the folks walking this wide and wonderful world.  Nothing against the people, but my dogs are fucking awesome.

*Going through basic as a 30-something with late teenagers has shown me just how out of shape kids are.  This is not just a physical thing.  Kids today are not mentally in shape in terms of toughness.  The concepts of tenacity and willingness to be patient and suffer for a bit to get to a better outcome is wholly lost on many of them.

I welcome the coming challenges and adventures.  I am well and truly blessed.

New things

So I am sitting here at a hotel for my MEPs tomorrow and have some time to sit and write...something that I have been fairly negligent in doing for a while.   Some navel-gazing in this one so bear with me.

Update:  I am still working as a firefighter/paramedic, but I am looking at Air National Guard as a means of giving me more education opportunities, so here I sit.  The process that brought me to this decision was an interesting one, to me at least, so I figured I would write about it.

As a medic and firefighter for a municipality and without a union, benefits and pay increases throughout my career will more than likely be few and far between.  I state this not to bitch, but to point out a fact.  I enjoy the job but as a medic the work load, based on ever increasing medical call volume and lack of ambulance staffing, grows yearly.  Again, not bitching, just a fact.   When it is a good call I love it, be it fire or medical.  There really isn't anything quite like knowing that you really and truly helped save a life.  That being said, those calls are few in number compared to the headaches, toe pains, and warm electrical outlets.  Coupled that with the slow, if any, upward financial mobility and you can begin to see my concern.

On a more personal level, my wife and I want.  I hate that word:  want.  It denotes desire and attachment to an idea, which can ultimately lead to stress and disappointment.  But let's face it, we are human and that means wanting things, experiences, people, etc.  It's the first one on that list that irks me some to admit.  I was raised poor and was taught, and firmly believe, that this life is so much more about our experiences than the things we own.  As I write this, I can't help but think about a Daniel Tosh skit where he states:

"Money doesn’t buy happiness.” Uh, do you live in America? ‘Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can’t!"

While it's humorous, it has a hint of truth to it.  As an adult I have lived dirt poor and out of my truck to owning my own home.  I can tell you that having the stability that more money can bring to the table can give one a big piece of mind.  Which brings me back to my wife and I.  We want.  We want to get out from under our student loans.  We want jobs that offer us enough free time to be a family.  We want jobs that offer enough money that we can occasionally treat ourselves with a vacation where can see and experience new things.  We eventually want kids and to be able to provide them not just financial stability but parents that are actually there to raise them.  To achieve this means that I can't just sit on past laurels.  The goal is eventually PA/Grad school, through the military, and that means it's time to put up or shut up.

And so now I am here, after much discussion with my wife, sitting in a hotel lobby sipping some coffee and writing.  Waiting to wake up in the morning to go get poked, prodded, and to see if I am physically able to join the service.  I am sitting here waiting to see if I can make a pretty big commitment of time and energy, in hopes that the benefits that it brings to us is worth it in the long run so that we might get some of those "wants".   I am not nervous and I am pretty certain, as is my wife, that this is the best way for us to achieve a better future for our family.  If things go well, in terms of the right offer hitting the table, then tomorrow will mark a big decision for us.   If they don't, then I am not worried.  I have a wonderful wife by my side and life goes on.  f nothing else, I am excited for change.

I want but I am unattached, and I am pretty ok with that.  

I was listening to On Being on NPR this morning on the way to work and evolutionary biologist David Sloan Wilson made a statement that if your beliefs do not actively shape your actions then they are false.  This resonated with me.   It is really easy for us all to stay comfy in our homes behind our keyboards and type about our virtues, folk, and Gods.  Hell, I have been guilty of this at times.  As descendants of our Gods we must strive to not just give lip service to our faith but live it.  

Our faith doesn't proselytize, instead the rest of the world must see in our words and deeds the veracity of our beliefs.   As such, I am going to try and be less of a shut in and attempt to be more active in the community.  I don't know how much my job will let me do this, but it's worth a try.

Health in Heathenry: 1

Something that has been tossed about on occasion in the Heathen community and is a big issue in Fire & EMS is that of physical fitness.  While I enjoy eating and drinking good beer and mead, I do so in moderation.  Something that a lot of folks both in our community and in general society doesn't want to hear is that obesity is now the norm.  In our culture there tends to be a heavy emphasis on warrior ethos but no emphasis on being fit enough to rise to the occasion.  There is a dilemma here.

Our faith tells us that we must stand ready to persevere in the face of adversity and rise up and stand our ground in the protection of our kith and kin.  How can one do this when they are so unhealthy that they cannot even take care of themselves?  Please take note that I am not implying that we should all aspire to be bodybuilding superheroes or models, but we must have a modicum of health so that we may be useful for the betterment of ourselves and our community as a whole.

If our community is to grow we must foster a sense of health and well-being as well as a respect of our Lore.  It's not hard.  Simple portion size and some basic exercise will put you head and shoulders above the majority.  The Gods want a healthy tribe, let's make it so.

I will be periodically posting quick little routines and guidelines to help those that are interested in getting back on track.

Sisu!

Tis the Season

Yuletide is nearly upon us.  The time for giving thanks and cherishing all that we have, speaking as an American, is here.  Amid all the talk of family, love, sharing, and thanks is this raving torrent of consumerism.  YOU NEED a new TV, PS4, Xbox One, etc, etc.

I remember when I was a child Thanksgiving was a time reserved for family time, overeating, playing football, and napping.  The day after was for putting up Christmas lights and eating leftover pies.  Now we are inundated with this cultural push to leave our hearths and families ON Thanksgiving to get those deals before the next guy.  Hell, why bother with family.  You have to get that new TV by standing in line for 14 hrs.  Let's not teach our children the values of being thankful for each other and the limited time we share on this planet.  Instead, let's reinforce the idea that what you have isn't good enough.  You have to get better stuff.

I am so glad that I spent my holiday with family that shares this sentiment.  We spent a lazy day relaxing and an afternoon and evening of sitting down to a delicious home cooked meal....not once, but twice!  Good conversation and games were played.  The older I get the more these times mean to me.  I think back to my parents and grandparents playing games with us as kids and I am profoundly thankful for those memories.

As we are beaten in the face with this increasingly ridiculous amount of consumerism during this holiday spirit, let us not forget that Heathenry is a family based faith.  It is a faith that celebrates these moments of connected-ness between us and our loved ones.  Build frith and be happy.  Screw the presents and enjoy good beer, a warm fire, and great people.  At the end this journey it's all that matters.

The Best Laid Plans

As some may know, I have been aiming my sights on getting my nursing degree and bridging from being a paramedic to RN.  Recently this plan encountered a small setback in the form of being rejected from the bridge program that I had applied for due to one of my classes not being accepted for transfer credits.  Life hands you lemons and all that jazz.  This has caused me to come to terms with some things about myself and my future plans.

Concerning myself:  

1) I like plans.  In fact, for some reason, I have grown so attached to the concept of having a plan of action that I get anxious without one...even if that plan involves just staying the course.   

2)  I don't like staying the course.  Over my adult life, I have come to realize that I dislike staying in a situation or place.  I set a plan of action, see it through, and then as soon as I achieve it I immediately begin setting my sights on something else.  Forget resting on my laurels.  I don't take enough time to even acknowledge them.  I can't sit still.

While these two attributes have their good points, they have primarily served to detract from my life.  For the most part, they have kept me from enjoying what joys I have around me in the present.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to better one's standing or lot in life, but to focus so rigidly on the future leads one to ruin.

Concerning my future plans:
I still want to get my RN license.  I briefly considered other areas of healthcare, but RN still seems to be the most sound.   That will be down the road, though.  For now, I am damn near determined to STOP obsessing over the planning and start living again.  Time to support my wife and help her get her own career started.  Does it mean that funds will be tight due to the horrendous pay that medics make?  Yes.  But I will have time, and that is far more important.  Time to be a husband and friend.  Time to enjoy my folk.  Time to create.  Time to be me instead of a worker drone.

In Heathenry, time spent with friends and family is a spiritual affair.  When your plans and obsessions keep you away from taking part in that, you invite a certain kind of soul sickness into your life.  It's high time I remember that.

Sisu.